good news: so busy with work i actually wouldnt have had time to date these next three weeks lmaoooo! which is good cuz i secretly really fucking love my job, don't tell anyone, haha. idk i've had some good chats with ███ about how squishy i am re: i shouldnt be trying to date rn hahahha.

idk i'm really trying to move back to the city this year. gotta write my goals down and all that. :/ i totally started my tumblr again too and it's just fallout gifsets and me thirsting over my babygirl randall but it makes me happy. My wastelander buddies are so welcoming and nice and said they miss me & would love to have me back so i'm insanely hype for wlw23 :')

hey guess what he actually replied to say he's busy??? which means i got rejected lol but hey at least i got rejected to my face!!!! :D which means i can close the book on this whole entire shebang hahahahha. hey at least i got back into wasteland b/c of all this lol. and I had a good long cry to ███ cuz i guess i was taking it REAL HARD LOL and yknow it was symptomatic of a bigger problem and everything. still kinda a jarring tone shift from the flirting to the rejecting in the message history but what can ya do lol, i was kinda getting those vibes anyway. So i guess i learned that being rejected actually IS better than being ghosted which is kinda funny, lol, ten days ago i would've said the opposite. anyway he was nice even while turning me down, he did the polite "oh i can't make it and i have not offered an alternative date" so there's that. ███ is like "dude why are you even trying to date people who like. hike and shit lol" eh it's slim pickings out here lol.

anyway it feels kinda good to say bye to this whole thing haha. man i am WaaaAAAAY too squishy to be getting emotionally involved with anyone hahah. anyway. good things are happening at work so that's nice. hard to take my mind off shit because (and get ready to drumroll and clap for me) i have only been rejected twice in the last, like 8 years babeyyyyyyyyyy (no i don't ask a lot of people out lmfao) so maybe i was overdue for a heartbreak :') anyway. ███ says i can come crash at his place any time i need a break from living in the middle of nowhere and he's like one my bffs and also we're still banging so that's nice. but it's not the banging that makes me sad!! it is the fact that things do not go well for me in feelingstown!!!

anyway i deleted tinder off my phone can't wait to put this shit behind me lol. sorry cute goth enby who slid into my dms last night way too late you were nice it wasn't you :(

ugh i'll un-comment all those old entries eventually lol. yknow what sucked???? watching the fuckn oscars last night while you're trying to forget about /waves at previous entries

anyway i guess i'm doing wasteland weekend again this year so im so fuckin excited omfggggg. lastyear my tribe actually made it inside the Gates, like got their camp approved and everything which is wild cuz we've been doing this for like idk 8 or 9 years???? SO COOL OMG. i've never actually slept within the gates of wasteland so im super excited. and my wlw (oh god this is gonna get dicey, wlw like wasteland not queer i will have to specify haha. though wasteland is p queer??) palz told me all about how they're in good with the juggers now and they'd love to have me back and all that good shit??? omg i bet ███ threw that in about the juggers cuz she knows i'm horny for cute armor helmet postapoc boys. think any of em like dudes?? statistically yes??

i'm actually really excited about this, i miss wasteland a LOT and apparently they kicked a lot of the fash out so everything's back to being shiny and happy and fun again, LOL. i checked out some photos and they're flyin a rainbow flag above the red rocket, i could cry :') ughhhhh wasteland is where i'm my real self lol.

which is something i talked to ███████ about and it got me thinkin about how much i miss wlw and my tribe and bein' me and just dickin around in the desert and everything and i haven't been back since i came out as trans and i'm just. REALLY EXCITED TO GO BACK. LIKE REALLY EXCITED. ugh i gotta save up for tix and plane tix now lol and adjust my outfit cuz the tribe's theme changed somewhere along the line lmfao. omgggggg. and they're still camping next to our sister tribe it's so cute argajefahkgahjg. let's all hope and pray to postapocalyptic murder diesel godz that dale and a cute jugger meet and get to kiss at the ahtck show while they're sitting on a roof or something. i'll kiss him thru the helmet. actually i will do that on purpose

got depressed and delete/commentzoned everything about him :)

god this was stupid. nobody feels anything for anyone over the fucking phone. i feel so fucking dumb. like two months ago i was like oh i am never putting myself out there again ███ stomped on my heart too hard but here i am... was. taking a chance even though i didn't really want to and my reward is getting my heart stomped on yet again. god this is so dumb. nobody's ever gonna understand me like that, i should probably just go back to working on my art and trying to get people to understand me outside of that. man. fuck.

hey i'm drawing something for myself again??? haha. my quest for attention i think ends up centering around ███ cuz i live in a teeny tiny town and not a lot of people are like. within driving distance. anyway anyway the internet reminds me there are plenty of cuties around lmao even if they don't live around me. ███████ is p fuckin hot but i think he's actually hitting on ███ lmfao, i'll fuckin die if they end up together :') but maybe i'm being obtuse again and he's hitting on me or both of us? lol. anyway i'm drawing something that feels p Me again, so that makes me happy. haha. maybe this will be the year of the dale or whatever

://////// soooo. i have kind of a sixth sense about people's feelings and the sparkle is just fuckin' gone with ███. Like until this point I could tell he still had a little bit of a thing for me but as of right now, I can tell it's all over. haha. which is weird. ig. i know. i know a lot of me was also projecting and everything, b/c like what i want def isn't everything ███ brings to the table lol. but. i dunno. i dunno i dunno. Two things ig: 1. i am doing that thing again where I try to find myself in other people! boo! boo, dale!! and 2. i am not gonna magically turn ███ into my dream man or whatever he's just a person dude. haha. i'm glad I still like him as a friend and it's nice to talk to someone i actually get along with haha but it's..... man it's sad to see that spark go. ):

man well idk. not that there weren't guys i've dated that didn't do it for me or whatever. i just don't think I'm gonna get the kind of satisfaction from a relationship that I would get from being otherwise understood. :/ i never wanna roll the dice againnnnnn hahahah. i went out on a limb and it was dumb and I'm unhappy!! :) it just always felt selfish to want to reject everyone and focus on yourself but i don't. want. to. dance. any. more. (metaphorically).

anyway whatever this is real sad. i made a new music vid though!! i can't wait to put it up!! i can't wait to be alone foreverrrrrrrrr

soooo much work ughghghgh can't believe i got wrangled into doing this on a weekend lmakflafajlhlas. i have a dentist appt on monday so i can't take a shift so it's like ffffffff why am i here why is it sunday aadhasdhjakdja

ANYWAY. i'm totally just sittin here watchin the sad boyz podcast avoiding work cuz thats what I do. i talked to ███ about if it'd be cool if I invited ███ over to town and she was like "yea but i'm not like, deliberately leaving the apartment for a weekend so yall can bang" lmao which is extremely fair, so i get to invite my sexy helmet man over when ███ is back at her parents or on vacation haha. (obv the same applies to me i am not gonna get in ███'s way of getting laid in our apartment lmfao). ███ lives alone but i'm obvi not going to invite myself over to his apartment lmao but I feel like I should tell the guy what's up so he's on the same page lol. He said next time I visit ██████ I should tack on a couple extra days so we can party and stufffff which sounds like so much funnnnn

omfg I had the best conversation with ███ today. I fuckin love talking to that guy haha. I guess we're on the same page after all!

we talked a bit about what it would look like if i got that job I interviewed for, lol, fingers crossed. I'm p cautiously hyped :>

ugh idk not much else to say except i really love talking to him and we just get so much like. friend shit done lol. like we've both been through a lot and he's been through a LOT and like, it's cool to just talk to someone who gets it. PLUS ███ made fuckin pastries last night so i got to eat them for breakfast this morning nomnomnomnomnonmom

got that job interview im hyped about todayyyyy:>

still can't believe ███ sent me such a sweet card haha. it was so romantic and medieval LOL. but we did text and whatever our weird little friendship is still keeps chugging along. I for one don't wanna put so much pressure on this shit and i'm honestly quite happy to have things keep going as they are lol. I think ████ read my card though?? i left it on my desk in the envelope and i woke up and it was outside the envelope LOL. i'm guessing she saw that it was a v-day card and snooped lol. .....which makes me very annoyed but she can probably say she was worried ███ and I are back together or i'm emotionally involved with someone else besides ███ ig?? i mean we are hooking up also but she knows that ███ and I are also hooking up so i am hoping they're.... idk??? chill?? why am i fussed about whether someone who might've snooped in my mail is chill with my mail????

OMFG I JUST GOT A FUCKIN BIRTHDAY/VALENTINE'S CARD IN THE MAIL FROM ███ IT WAS SO FUCKIN SWEET (AND ALSO SAUCY) LMAO OMFG look at me again panicking over nothing lol. our weird little friendship continues hahaha

that's all I got it was such a nice surprise and such a pretty card too omggggg (!!!!!!!) what is my life even right now i'm so happy hahahaha <333

hm wow so ███ postponed the coffee hang we have every week :') man i should just fucking back out this is ridiculous. i'm just gonna tell him i'm calling it off and i'll see him in two weeks or whatever. this sucks man

): i dunno maybe i didn't give myself enough time to be mad after this first breakup idk. idk if i should even say anything. i feel like i should? anyway. maybe i'll just fuckin say something and then leave for a few weeks. idkidkidk. lol. i don't even care about sex enough to finesse any of this any more, i'm just kinda mad i feel like i get fuckin disrespected at each turn when i fuckin give someone an inch. but no inches!! no inches for anyone who asks and especially for people who don't ask!!

edit: well fuckin drama is in the air APPARENTLY so my best friend ███████ is super close to this chick ████ who we both went to college with, they're basically bffs and she tells him everything, etcetc, they have a super complicated past, but they talk every day about stuff, everything from like deaths in the family to car problems, like, that level of friends. anyway SHE FUCKING GOT MARRIED WITHOUT TELLING HIM AND THEN GOT EVASIVE WHEN HE ASKED IF SHE WAS MARRIED?!?!?! as in "oh haha wow what do you mean" levels of trying to get out of it. LIKE LITERALLY this is the fucking hog wildest shit first of all, how the fuck do you keep being married a secret, secondly WHOA DUDE WHY ARE YOU BEING SO EVASIVE wtf man. he's like "i'm going to stare at the sun forever" and i fuckin get that b/c WHAT. oh my god. how. what

i mean what the fuck man yeah my problems are nothing compared to this rn haha oh my god. wow. yeah. okay anyway monday night let's fuckin go

call the fuggen cops dale's gonna make a tumblr FOR THE ATTENTION

like i'm probably er obviously not gonna start posting selfies of my idiot self on here or anything so thus the tumblr idea, but i've been watching a lot of strange aeons and they totally fuckin inspired me to be my worst weird self and maybe i'll get started on that today lmao

hey! guess what!! i fuckin turned my phone off and started doing my own thing and I kinda don't even wanna talk to ███. i think i'm actually getting ovr him?? did you know i'm the only guy he dated that he never fucking took on an actual date? caveat: i did rescheule our first date and then it never happened. maybe slug stuff should just be slug stuff. but anyway OKAY MAN OKAY SO LAST NIGHT ON FUCKIN TINDER I MATCHED WITH THE HOTTEST FUCKING GIRL I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN and i usually don't say weird crass shit like this but she's like super alternative and into punk music and dumb shit and looks like a fuckin idk gothcore pastel queen or whatever and my idiot emo self is aquiver in my demonia boots lmao. anyway i guess i'm just a dumb sap who's going through some shit haha so i shot her a message and i'm fuckin too chicken to see if she said anything back cuz for the first time ever i finally get guys who say "hi" in the DMS: holy shit i was so deer in the headlights it was all i can think of haha. (that is not what i sent. i sent "hey" followed by some actual fuckin content lol).

anyway i've been thinking of getting my eyebrow ring replaced???? i had it for like 3 years and then it started like fuckin phasing out of my face so I gotta get it in the other eyebrow cuz idk if the scar tissue is gonna be a prob. which is good. cuz it'll feel like getting a whole new piercing LMAO.

i can't really afford new tattoos right now either so I'm gonna have to add Trans Icon Randall Skeffington to my waitlist for imagez, there's a New Vegas tattoo i've been wanting for fucking YEARS lol. i live in the middle of fucking nowhere so events like getting an actual good tattoo from an actual good tattoo artist is like, a rare occurence lol. ████ says i should just crash at their place and get it done in NY and honestly they might be right??????????? maybe i'll make it a little body mod vacation. i've been thinking of swapping all my jewelry out with pink metallic (what's it called? ionized?? oxidized??? or is it just pink titanium??? idk) cause it's all on my face and idk i think it'll look sick lol. i've been wearing the same fuckin black plugs for years too but i'm ig just like every other fuckin guy with plugs out there i guess lmfao

omg i crashed neocities with my horniness lmao.

ok so i sobered up and fuckin apologized for feelings dumping on ███ and just straight up told him some of me avoiding using The Right Words is i'm having a hard time articulating what i want uh like with the whole fuckin helmet sex thing and that this isn't some weird way of trying to get back together or whatever and idk i hope i didn't make him uncomfortable but i apologized and everything, and he said don't worry about it and he just wanted to make sure we were on the same page and everything but LAST NIGHT DURING MY TEXT MELTDOWN he said he didn't want to promise anything he couldn't deliver and he was a bit heistant about stuff but this was before I told him I was just trying to awkwardly communicate my wants/needs but left out the actual sex stuff cuz uhhhh i don't know man i know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it IS to ME lol. like it takes a lot to tell someone that and for them to know how much you like it, idk. And it's something i figured out for myself relatively recently so i wanna be like. eh idk. it's more about me than anything ig but like.... i've been giving it some thought and i want to figure out my feelings fr. so much of it is like entangled in what i want in bed and like: okay, part of the helmet thing is roleplay, right? i was like, "oh is ███ gonna think it's weird if i'm pretending he's someone else, will that hurt his feelings" but like uhmmm maybe this is the sort of thing I SHOULD BE ARTICULATING lol. Anyway so this morning i fuckin apologized in a very sincere way and was very direct about how this is about me. being. very. weird. about. the. weirdly. emotional. helmet. sex. thing. i think. REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING ELSE. and he was like "dude don't worry it's cool i just wanna make sure we're on the same page and you see my perspective" so things are very vanilla and normal. i just need to keep my dick mouth shut until i see him next monday and I can fucking talk like a normal person. omfg. i'm so fuckin awkward i literally do not want my fuck buddy to know how i like to fuck. dear god

part 3: oh sweet fucking christ we talked it out and it was awful lmao. so like i asked if it'd be cool if i sent the occasional flirty pic and he was like "part of me want to say yes cuz hell yeah but another part of me doesn't wanna lead you on emotionally" which OPENED UP A WHOLE FUCKIN FLOODGATE OF BULLSHIT like. okay. so he was like "maybe sending me hot selfies would feel like i'm leading you on emotionally" so i was like "naw dude i legit just wanna fuck you" while, of course, i'm realizing it's not just that at all. So. So. Sosososoosso. Who knows what'll fuckin happen but I guess I discovered he doesn't like me that way while also man idk possibly fudging my chances of banging in this super specific way I want (hopefully not lol but whatever). I think the more groundbreaking thing here is, er. So. Yeah. Guess I liked him. What a fucking time. What a long time coming. I'm gonna take a long ass walk off a short ass pier lol. I.... man. ):

so idk. i'm just sitting here drinking or whatever. hey. universe. hey. even if it's several years later or whatever. are you reading this? have you ever wanted to hook up with a weird goth twink who's really into bethesda rpgs? are you an executioner with a knight helmet who wants to carry me away on a horse or whatever? how gay are you??? are you never gonna admit it to anyone but me? my dms are wide open my man. make me the fuckin weird queer ██████ maiden on your terrifying gwar style quest. idgaf. let's watch venture bros and maybe you can cry and i wont' tell anyone. _{also i like getting tied up so have fun}

got a job interview for something i'm super excited for next week aaaaaaa

i was gonna complain that i haven't heard from ███ since the other day when we chatted about, er, the railing, and also he said he's sending me a birthday card which is super sweet!! but haha i'm trying not to be clingy this time so i'm just gonna play it super cool and chill. i'm gonna see him tomorrow anyway cuz we're hanging with a bunch of people for ttrpg night so that'll be fun haha. and we have our weekly hangouts but like part of me is worried he won't wanna be friends now and start cancelling our chill sessions??? NO DALE DON'T BE CLINGY lmfaoooooooo

edit:oh fuck am i psychic or what ███ just dmed to say he's gonna be late tomorrow lmao, which in ███-speak is like he might show up so late he doesn't come at all haha. fuckin GREAT i bet i made him fuckin uncomfortable even though I said he can totally just fuckin say no and I will drop it never to speak of it again and I value our friendship too much to nuke it over something as stupid as this and NOW HERE I AM FREAKIN OUT LMAO. AUGH. ETERNALL ANGUISHED HORRIBLE SADNESS version of "lmao" I FUCKIN GUESS

edit2: OK ANOTHER UPDATE LOL i texted him back and was like "heyyyy we're like. uh. cool. right?? like you know you can back out any time" and he was "omg dale yeah ofc" and sent me a bunch of texts about why he's missing the sesh lol. And we play ttrpgs every other week so it's all good! aaaa i cant believe it. he's bein so nice though lol i'm kinda glad i get away with some of this shit cuz ███ likes being sweet to me when he's feeling toppish i think lol. THAT OR HE'S JUST LEGITIMATELY A GOOD FRIEND WHO KNOWS LMAO.

changed my neocities username to match my site title :') ayy

soooooooooooooo

sosososooso. i straight up asked ███ if he wanted to rail me. like i said "ok so i am NOT asking you out b/c i know you don't have feelings like that for me b/c we broke up BUT uh whew do you ever wanna crush me like a rock" and he was like "yes i would enjoy doing that again" so THAT IS HAPPENING. holy shit. and last week we talked about the helmet thing and he was like "oh yeah i'd do that" and i KNOW he owns half the necessary stuff and oh my god i have never felt more myself rn. hahahha. time to save and buy some fun new sub stuff oh my god. i have come to realize that a big part of this is me being in control of the reel em in part, and spending a lot of time on making myself look good/feel hot/etc etc, and ███ really gets and respects that, and YEAH. oh my god life is good hahahahhahah. "oh to be a hot boy on the internet"

making this website was more fun than i'd thought :;)

just popping in to log my idiot thoughts before work. i had the opportunity to take more days off last week but i diddddntttt. actual regrets now.

████ came round and we hooked up again yesterday & i told her about planning to hang with ███ and she was like "is this a sex thing" and i was like "Er no" and she just gave me the "dale. pls." look lol and was like "dale do not invite me to a sex thing" so i think even *I* personally am playing it safe and expecting ███ isn't gonna wanna boink, uh, maybe everyone else thinks differently. Anyway. last night he sent me a meme saying technically the next step beyond bisexual is tri-sexual and he'll try-anything-once, lmao. i guess the way into my pants is through dad jokes

chatted with ███ again planning some nyc shit trying not to blow my proverbial load hahahahaha. 99%sure one of the reasons we brokeup in the first place was cuz im clingyyyy so im trying not to be like that! friday night im planning a bar thing with a shitton of people and saturday day we're grabbin breakfast + spending the day together. no words on what happens after but i figure, yknowwwwwwww. if things go well things go well, maybe we go for drinks or dinner or something, if they dont i am so hype to just hang out and grab dinner with cady somewhere bleehhh. i need a vacation. time to save up for this shit now haha

just now getting everything set up! anyway!

i've been wanting an internet house for a while now to store my dumb music vidz and my nsfw art and say all kinds of things about the dumb people i crush on so here i am, making a website

ugh i getthe feeling this blog might end up being even more nsfw than i initially set out to be lmfao i'm in the middle of some shit. i'm actually making this site to take my mind off this guy i like. well. actually. okay he's like one of my closest fucking friends and we've been chatting about sex stuff for a while and we both have weird-ish proclivities BUT we also used to date, like, SUPER BRIEFLY, so it's kinda like starting all over again?????? anyway he's really fucking hot and this is my take my mind off this guy website. except i'm actually gonna probably talk a lot about him lmfao. because i am a mess!

xoxodale

ok now here's the nsfw part haha

ok so me and ███ were having our usual pre lunch flirt coffee because this is what we do now, and he's been like, super ramping up stuff b/c this just what he does. it's just what he does!! he's been super open about trying new stuff b/c he just got out of a super shitty relationship but also i live like two hours away and can't compete with guys who actually live in his town. ugh. ANYWAY THOUGH so my horny ass finally made some slip up mention of the whole subbing for a guy in armor thing and he actually brightened up and said yes?? like i was all "augh ugh it's just gonna be me over here jacking it over X" and he was like "yeah and me doing X" so *I* was like "oh haha you'd literally dress up in a helmet or something and a harness and act like you're fuckin idk jason vorhees or some shit and fuck the shit out of me" and he was like "i'd do that" so. actually. now as my gay gay brain is typing this i realize that i was thinking "what if 'i'd do that' is like, NOT as much of a come-on as you think" but i think the man just agreed to see what being a sexy executioner is like. omfg please just shove a knight helmet on and fuck me. i don't always bottom for anyone (or anyone tbh lmfao) but fuckkkkkk i didn't know ███ would be into this shit i just wanna unlock his secretz.

but ANYWAY ig we're going clubbing or hanging out in the city or whatever in a couple weeks so thatll be fun cuz no matter what i a) wont be able to screw him cuz im crashing at cady's and b) going to nyc is always fuckin fun anyway and i could use a vacation even if it's just hanging with my dumb pal. ugh can you believe he tried to be like :( :( i gotta fix this dad bod :( like NAUR i mean yeah tell me more abt how you're going to the gym i am such a fuckin arms guy TM, but like noooo you're perfect don't stop ahahah

anyway dale is falling for his friend who deffo wants to bang him but i'm pretty sure that's all but if we're gonna do the whole knight thing there's obv some emotional component to it... and there is for him.... ig.... but whatever all i can think about is being railed to hell and back by some guy in like, a pyramid head cosplay. ohhhh fuck. I DID NOT KNOW HE'D BE INTO THIS AGDHJSDGJ